#133: The Thirteenth Warrior

The Thirteenth Warrior

John McTiernan, Michael Crichton (reshoots only)
Initial release: August 13, 1999 (Portugal)

images c/o FILMGRAB

Did you ever have to read Beowulf in school? Did you think it was boring as shit? Do you want to see Antonio Banderas at the high point of his career, and Omar Sharif at the low point? Then have I got the movie for you: John McTiernan's The Thirteenth Warrior, an adaptation of Michael Crichton's Eaters of the Dead that smoothly melds the real-life account of Ahmad ibn Fadlan, and the legend of Beowulf.  You might recognize McTiernan's name, as he's also hung it on such classics as Die Hard, Predator, Last Action Hero, and The Hunt for Red October — quite the resume!

Most people in the English-speaking world are at least passingly familiar with the tale of Beowulf thanks to it being a regular feature in high school and college literature courses, but what about the other guy? Well, Ahmad ibn Fadlan was a real-life diplomatic agent from 10th century Baghdad, and his accounts reveal a little about pre-Russian societies along the Volga. In the film, however, he's Antonio Banderas and he's being punished for lusting after another man's wife by basically being shipped upstate. He and his friend (played by Sharif) try to get some information from the non-Arabic-speaking Vikings, to little avail. One of them happens to know Latin, however, and it's through this that he explains to Ahmad and his friend what's going on: the king is dead and the heir apparent is Buliwyf. Not long after the funeral for the king, a messenger arrives: King Hrothgar calls for aid. After summoning a local witch for advice on what to do, she declares that thirteen men must be sent, and most importantly, the 13th of them must not be a Norseman. And that's how Ahmad gets pulled into this whole thing. Just roll with it.

Much like how Hunt for the Red October used a shared word between English and Russian to switch from Russian to English for the benefit of the audience, the Viking funeral for the dead king is used as the switch point from the real life Ahmed's account, and Beowulf. It's a clever move, and it blends well with the film's other clever move: Ahmad is, of course, stuck behind a language barrier, but after he gets pulled into the quest, he spends a few weeks listening to them talk and slowly learns their language. So few films really cover the language barrier like this. You might argue that Ahmad learning the Northmen's language in such a short time is implausible, but to be frank there's a lot in this movie that's implausible. Just roll with it.

In any case, the rest of the film is pretty much Beowulf: the Movie, though in this case Grendel and his mom have been swapped out for a creepy cannibal tribe of unknown lineage (but implied to be a holdout tribe of Neanderthals.) It's standard historical fantasy, but beautifully shot and acted. I must commend the acting really — good acting can save a bad script, and the same happens here. Herger, especially, Ahmad's closest friend among the vikings, pretty much steals every scene he's in. The soundtrack is generally another "Jerry Goldsmith phones it in" soundtrack, which is a shame because the film originally had Graeme Revell as the composer. When Michael Crichton took up the director's seat for reshoots after McTiernan was fired, he threw out the soundtrack.

Don't expect a lot of historical accuracy in this film. The first four minutes you might as well skip because they're completely useless to the film and do nothing but pile on one anachronism after another. Armor especially continues to be out of place the entire movie. But really, why are we talking about historical accuracy when this is an adaptation, set in the 10th century, of an 8th century epic poem, that itself was set in the 6th century? Just roll with it.

This film will not educate you. It's not exactly "high" art. But don't let that 33% on Rotten Tomatoes fool you: this is pure entertainment, a wonderfully shot historical fantasy romp with some great dialogue.

-june❤